I-wanna-talk-moods.

So i guess you can say i feel kinda sad right now. And I'm feeling like one of those i-wanna-talk-moods. I wanna tell you what's really going on. I hate the way i am. I wish i was someone else. someone better. someone who wasn't just . . morgan. I can be in a room filled with people, and still feel all alone. It's 2:18 am and I'm reading this girls blog and [ I'm being dead honest ] i feel like i really connect with her. I'm wearing a mask. I always feel like I'm at a masquerade bash where everyone is wearing masks, and no one knows who you are. You could be whatever ever you wanna be. Then in the end everyone tells who they really are. Well i still don't know who i am. I may look like the girl who looks like she has everything oh she has a pretty good life. Well i really don't think i do. I am a very very very very jealous person. And I'm very ashamed of that. Well alot of people have those jealous days. well for me its like the oxygen i breathe. It sounds weird but i kinda just can't live without it, because i don't know who i am. Like my surroundings whatever i see that's what i am. Like example if I'm around people that are "preppy" I'm going to act "preppy" if i'm around people that are say "emo/punk" I'll be that exact same thing. Its terrible i know. but i truly don't know my personality. I have this sorta personality where i play like puppy dog act. but i don't think i mean to do it. Like i hate it how people can't take me seriously. like someone will get mad at me then they will be like "awh morgan your so cute, i love you, i cant be mad at you !" like c'mon you have to be mad at me. and i also don't know how to stand up for my self. Like i need to learn to defend my self, so when someone pushes my buttons and instead of crying and screaming, i can stand up for my self and push it away. I wish i could control my mouth. I mean I'm sure there's alot of people who need to learn to shut their mouths, but mine's a pretty bad one. and its only like that because of the people that surround me. Like in 7th grade. 7th grade was a year of hell for me. I didn't want to exist. I wanted to be alone. I would just want to sit a corner in my room in the dark hide my face and scream. I didn't know what to do. people wanted me to die. Honestly i have no clue in the world why. they just didn't like me. i remember i went up to this girl i met over the summer at school and i said" hey remember me i met you at your house and you said we'd prob. see each other at school," she goes" i don't remember you get out my face." and ever since then my 7th grade year was a living nightmare. then when i failed that grade and had to stay back it wasn't any better. Now i understand how the "losers and geeks" felt when everyone pushes them around. I don't understand anything more. I wanna be me. I wanna find me. And i really want to find me. so i can make the right choices, make the RIGHT friends. I wanna say what's on my mind. I wanna have space. I wanna feel like i can breathe and really think in my own mind. I cant say what i wanna say. like i feel like there's peanut butter in my mouth and its so sticky i can't talk. Everyone knows what to say. I really don't. I feel like i have a problem. Maybe i am the problem ? ugh. i just want to stop this frustration. everything. I think i honestly hide it so well. It bugs me because no one seems to care. I can have a good time and all but it just doesn't feel right. i wish i could explain this better. alot better. What i also hate about my self is that i like everyone. everyone and everybody. When I'm around say a couple of friends and a new kid walks in and he's all nice to everyone and he's talking to everyone. i say he's pretty cool. he's nice i like him. the others say ew he kinda ruins everything. i don really like him. well when they say that i say it. and i follow what they say. I'm not a follower its just i pick up on things. but inside i really think he's a cool kid. and i feel really bad when i say that. i cant even explain that feeling and thought. i guess you just have to be me to understand. Right now i don't even think this blog makes sense to anyone. Well if it makes any sense whatsoever to anyone out there . . thanks for reading, thanks for getting the drift of this all. This is how i feel. this is how i've always thought. always. It's time for me to remove my mask and reveal who i really am. [ Try ]